I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. Romero

So I had the gym assessment today. This assessment is required before this wellness center thing will let you participate in their program. I’ve visited the vampires and run the physical tests they wanted, now here I sat with this lovely young lady fresh from Tuscaloosa. She pulled her jacket close and complained that someone keeps the gym far too cold, then opened my file.

“We’re actually surprised you’re not dead,” she says.

So starts my “New Life” as some might call it, or what I call a journey into hell. It’s time I get my physical act together and the starting point news just isn’t good. I couldn’t have picked a better time to get started on this because, well you see… my blood pressure was just about to give me a stroke.

“It’s right on the borderline of where we require a medical release from your doctor.”

Greeaaat. “By the way, did they note down that I drink coffee?”

The young roll tider seemed quite relieved. “That’s actually good to hear!”

Despite this, I have a feeling my blood pressure is far too high anyway. My heart rate is too low and my blood pressure is too high – that spells trouble for this geek. Too much more of this and I’ll be under arrest from Mr. Cardiac.

Or so I’m told.

She “prescribes” an exercise routine that involves at least 30 minutes of cardio workout and 30 minutes of strength training. She then proceeds to lead me around the gym to show me how to use the equipment.

It was all a very nice and pleasant visit, but honestly, I’m scared to death. After finding out that I’m a walking corpse…

…my first thought was to audition for George Romero’s next film.

Wish me luck, people.