2024 is at and end and I thought I would sit and write, stream of consciousness-style, about things that I remember. Some of this is going to be pretty raw emotion and if you’re not up for that, please tap out now.
Overall it’s been a pretty good year. I’ve been at peace on a great many things and struggling with others. Technology-wise I am still rolling with four main devices: An M1 Max MacBook Pro with 32gb of RAM (Devika), an iPhone 16 Pro 1TB (downsized from a 15 Pro Max and don’t miss the size one bit), an Apple Watch S10 (gave my Ultra 1 to my middle daughter who frustratingly doesn’t use it… I should have just traded it in), and an M4 iPad Pro that I absolutely adore and am forcing myself to use more often. I’m trying to understand the decisions and trade offs that were made with iPadOS and lean into them rather than letting my old age muscle memory take over. I find myself asking questions like… “do I really NEED a professional file manager or should I just let the apps take over their space and manage files on the apps themselves?” That seems like the way Apple wanted it. I’m trying to adapt. I very much love the focus afforded by the device and opportunities for creativity.
If only I was still creative.
Lord have mercy I don’t know where my creativity has gone. Most days I stare at the wall, not really finding pleasure in anything that used to bring joy. I struggle to find free time. I’m still the primary driver of the household, although middle daughter is driving now. I bought her a car and as I suspected, she is never home. She’s off being her own person. That’s good, that’s what she should do, but she’s not really remembering her responsibilities and that’s becoming a problem. I’m unsure how to get my arms around that. Chances are good that life will force her into a bad place sooner or later if she doesn’t pull it together.
Our son is 20 this year. He soured on the computer science program at Auburn and came home to look for a job. He managed to land an AWS certification on his own and I’m pretty proud of that. But for some odd reason, self-starters don’t draw the attention of recruiters like they used to and he’s had a very difficult time finding a job. That’s afforded him the ability to reevaluate what he really wants to do. His true love seems to be football, and as we’ve all discovered, he’s actually pretty damn good at coaching it. I think his Taekwondo skills are coming into play here, as he was a mentor in TKD for so many years that it’s pretty natural for him to take those skills into a sport he truly loves. I suggested to him that he look into going back to school for sports management and it seems that’s where he’ll be come August 2025.
Our youngest is a stellar athlete. She shares the love of football with her brother and he’s served as her coach for a long, long time now. He coached her team and they almost had an unbeaten season in the Fall. That was wonderful to watch. She’s incredibly talented in Taekwondo as well and might be one of the most flexible martial arts students I’ve seen in my life. Great things are ahead for this young one, she’s making the most of her new life in America.
She and my wife became citizens this year. We were vacationing in Hawaii this summer (more on that in a bit) and while we were there, we got the letter from USCIS to come in and take care of the final steps toward citizenship. The wife panic-studied on the test and knocked it out of the park within minutes. Another surprise: their citizenship ceremony was the same day. I’m so relieved to get all of that wrapped up before this enormously fascist and awful government takes over for (what I hope is only) four years.
As I said, we went to Hawaii this past summer. That was our big trip. We did lots of amazing things - ate lots of fabulous food. Some memories from the trip include our youngest trying to catch crabs in the bay next to our hotel, swimming lessons for brother and middle daughter, wife being on her endless search for decent Filipino food in America, and the wife’s first time to actually swim in the ocean. That last one was a huge surprise to me as she has acted as thought she was very much afraid of the water up until that moment. In 2025 we’re going to Japan and Philippines and will be out for almost 1.5 months.
Middle daughter decided to put away the very toxic atmosphere forming around her dance studio at the beginning of this year. This was a bit sad for me, as she is enormously talented at dance and has danced her entire life. The teachers and students had gotten pretty mentally unhealthy at this point so she decided enough was enough. I encouraged her by reminding her that she should not stay any place where she is not valued or welcomed, especially if she has worked so hard to make it a better place for herself and others. I’m glad she finally listened.
The wife left the food truck and started working at a Slim Chickens nearby after we returned from Hawaii. The goal here was for her to learn more about the commercial kitchen since one day we hope to open our own place. Here it is December and she’s *very* much over the whole thing. I keep reminding her that she doesn’t need the job and she can leave anytime she likes, but she persists. Hopefully in 2025 we’ll actually do something on the restaurant.
Work has been truly painful. I’m very much burnt out on what we’re doing there, which is honestly not much of any consequence. I have zero belief in what we’re doing will make any impact on the market and that’s having an effect on my desire to do much. I’m very much burnt out on the work and the industry at large. I think most of the management culture in every industry is absolutely crazy. No one makes data-driven decisions, it’s all emotionally chasing a quick buck or a quick fix. It doesn’t make sense to me at all. That’s not just happening in the software/cloud industry either, it’s also happening in my wife’s restaurant. Rather than clearly solving problems with a long-term solution they would rather pursue short-term quick fixes that increase the tech or process debt. That shit just doesn’t make sense to me (it bears repeating).
I don’t know what to do about it.
I have so, so many people to support and too many mouths to feed. I need the insurance. I need to focus and find joy in this stuff again, but I just can’t seem to figure it out.
I need to break away from all of it during this winter break and find myself again.
I’ve been thinking to audition for theater again. The other night I had a dream that I had gotten cast in a show just by making a phone call. There was a time in the late 1990’s when I could do that. I was acting in about 9 shows a year and had a wonderful group of friends and family that were very engaged. My last show was 2000 and I’ve devoted all of my time to supporting others ever since. I want/need to take some of my time back, but I start to feel guilty if I pull it in too much.
I’m lost.
I’m very much getting up in the world. Mortality is a regular thought lately, and I just don’t have enough to retire in any way shape or form. I often look at my aging cat Mango, who is turning 14 in 2025. I love that cat. He’s easily the sweetest animal I’ve ever met. Yet, when I hold him, I wonder what I’m going to do when he’s gone. No matter how much I try to avoid that thought, it occurs to me regardless.
I’ll turn 53 in May 2025, and despite the fact that my health is really quite good, I’m sure my thoughts will turn darker as I worry about the people I love and wish that I didn’t feel so bloody alone.
I would write more but I’ve gotten terrible at writing. I don’t dare reread this blog post and try to make sense of it.
I’ll turn to health. This year I managed to get my weight down to 249. I haven’t been this low since 2019. My goal is to get below 200, but I’ll be happy with the 215 range I think. I was going to have stomach surgery in December but the doctor encouraged me not to do it since I’ve been working out so much and successfully losing weight. But he did prescribe Wegovy as a tool to help. It has indeed been helping. I’ve stayed on target to lose 1 pound a week and I’ve had zero side effects. As a matter of fact, the only side effects I truly experience have been positive: better appetite control, better sleep, better energy levels, better success while working out. It has been a very positive thing for me. I hope that by the time we go to Asia I’ll be in the 220’s range.
I forgot to mention above that yesterday I took my Apple Watch S10 into the Apple Store. I was looking forward to that “speaker enhancement” that Apple touted for the Series 10 but alas, I couldn’t hear shit coming out of that speaker. Turns out this might be a known hardware defect of some kind. I visited the Genius Bar and sadly, they took my Apple Watch back to the mothership. Being without the watch has been an odd experience. I keep looking at my wrist and strangely, I keep losing my iPhone around the house. Very odd.
I also need to mention that I managed to find some really good contacts that work well for my severe dry eyes. Bausch and Lomb Ultras have been great for me. I’ve combined that with Optase night time ointment and the Optase severe dry eyes drops and had a lot of success. This has been very pleasing for me as I’ve struggled with my contacts situation for many, many years.
I think that about covers 2024. I probably should write down some goals for 2025, but I’m kidding myself if I think I’ll be able to pull that off. I think the only goal I have is to make more money to take care of myself and maybe try to work on my mental health. That’s about it.
If you stuck through this post to get to the very end, I’m super proud of you.
Love you all. Best wishes for a calm holiday season.