Stephen King, I Blame You

Stephen King… I used to love you. Your legends themselves were the stuff of legend. Not a single week went by without someone bringing up Danny boy, the little Gage that got hit by a truck and dragged down the street… the murderous supernatural car that ran people down just because… the girl wearing pig’s blood at the prom… and, one of my beloved favorites, the nurse that likes to crack ankles with sledgehammers… and we all learned what rabies REALLY does to a massive domesticated pet. Your source material is pretty much all the same, but with just enough schtick to keep us coming back. It was much of the same characters, much of the same town, much of the same dialog full of dialects…. but we still loved it.

Producers loved you because they mined your source material for decades. Sometimes they twisted it to fit their own agenda or make it “audience-friendly” (cough cough… who in their right mind thinks horror is audience-friendly? That’s the whole fucking point… it’s NOT).

You even tried your own hand at directing. I remember being aghast at your choice to include AC/DC as the soundtrack to Maximum Overdrive. I think you enjoyed it, but frankly, AC/DC doesn’t scare me. I marveled at your strange choices to augment your horror with unintentional slapstick. You knew you weren’t that awesome at directing and you pulled out. That’s fine. Let others collaborate with you and make it better.

My point is… you have had decades upon decades to build a massive fan base and production credibility. You could do almost anything you wanted and the sheep will follow. There isn’t a bookshelf in the country that doesn’t bear your name, and yes I’m talking about every individual household that owns a book.

You spent the time to create and write a phenomenal series of books that I have yet to finish… and may never finish (but that’s ok), and successfully blend science fiction, fantasy and horror into one single twisted modern masterpiece that people place in such high regard as Tolkien.

The time came for you to put together The Dark Tower. Now was the perfect time for you to cash in your accrued credibility and satisfy your fan base. Now was the time to seal your fate in the annals of pop culture. We heard the movie was coming out. We heard Idris Elba and Matthew McCoughnaheygirlwhatchauptoo were cast. There were debates. There were rages. There were wadded panties. But we all held our breath.

The trailer came out. We exhaled slightly. The trailer did wonders for your anticipation, just as a trailer should do.

We all opened our mouths and waited.

You walked up, unzipped your pants, and pissed in them.

95 minutes. Out of a series of x books and two gifted actors with fantastic star power, you gave us 95 fucking minutes.

Somehow, you let the director… the producers… the studio… someone… decide… that this sprawling horror fantasy with blood, sex and gore… should be distilled to PG-13.

In the age of Game of Thrones… Westworld… Lost… and countless other serial dramas that have overtaken our lives (THANK GOD GOODBYE REALITY SHOWS)… you… the creator of this massive, proud work… YOU… let them do this to us.

YOU, kind sir, are solely responsible for this reprehensible decision.

I don’t give a fuck if you think the studios did it. I don’t fucking care if you think the director was going to make the right choices. You did this. You should have stayed involved with your work closely enough to make sure the RIGHT DECISIONS WERE MADE.

THEY WEREN’T MADE, STEPHEN. THE RIGHT DECISIONS WERE NOT MADE.

You cashed out decades of good will and fan base on 95 minutes and a PG-13 rating that was created so a horned helmet wearing priest could pull the heart out of a sacrificial victim. You let them pick a rating that explicitly allows the use of one occurrence of the f-word.

FOR THE DARK TOWER.

I will never be able to register my malcontent over this. The least I can do is avoid giving you my ticket money. I’ll do my best to wait and see if it comes up on HBO or something that I can use my existing subscription to see. Or, maybe I’ll pirate it. But I’m sure I’ll even waste the my valuable time to download it.

The real horror story here is how a single man, full of arrogance and pride, singlehandedly murdered an entire fan base in the span of 95 minutes.

I’m so disappointed.

Idiot.

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Cloud Migrations - a Word of Advice

If you hired a cloud consultant that heartily recommends a “lift and shift” migration and they assure you that everything will be fine…

Fire them.

It won’t be fine.

It absolutely, positively will not be fine

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Microsoft Bought Swiftkey?

I must really be out of the loop. I had no idea Microsoft bought SwiftKey. Anyway, they are killing the Windows Phone keyboard for IOS and focusing exclusively on SwiftKey.

When Microsoft does things that makes sense, I’m always surprised. When they do things that do not make sense (like beefing Skype for the iPhone) I am rarely surprised.

Microsoft’s Windows Phone keyboard for the iPhone is dead - The Verge

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Fix Overwatch Competitive

Dear Blizzard…

I am sick and tired of being penalized with losses and season ranking demotions because people on my team left the match.

Please fix it.

😡😡😡

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iOS 11 Dock Tip and a Files App

In iOS 11, you don’t only have to use the dock for single apps. You can drag an app group into the Dock as well. I just found this out by “trying it out.” That makes it much more useful for app switching when you swipe up from the bottom.

I’m really liking iOS 11 a lot. It sold a new iPad to me… an iPad Pro 256gb 12.9”. I just had to have it. I can almost turn it into my work machine, but the Files app let me down. I couldn’t rename a file extension with the Files app. I needed to do that and it hosed me since I couldn’t. I reported that though :)

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Microsoft Paint is dead

Microsoft will be killing off “Microsoft Paint” in the next release of Windows 10 (the so-called “Fall Creator’s Update”).

This article on the Verge points out the various things that are being shed. Microsoft Paint seems to be the most significant user-facing thing, but I can imagine some enterprises will have difficulty with other changes.

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publish from github to s3

CMS' suck. It's 2016. Get rid of them.

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born again

It’s time for this blog to be born again. I’m moving everything to a static site generator (Hugo). I’m personally quite sick of the garbage security bullshit that comes with Wordpress. I’ll be migrating my older posts into this new blog over time. You should see old posts trickle in as I have time to get them into place. Hopefully this will let me regenerate my interest in blogging.

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AWS GovCloud and CloudFormation

Be careful when you’re working with CloudFormation in the AWS GovCloud region. Almost every code snippet available on the Internet refers to the public regions of AWS. If you’re making resources in GovCloud with a Cloudformation templates, there are subtle differences. For instance, referring to an S3 bucket in a code snippet is: “Resource”: { “Fn::Join” : [“”, [“arn:aws:s3:::”, { “Ref” : “myExampleBucket” } , “/*” ]]}, But if your bucket is in GovCloud, your arn is different: “Resource”: { “Fn::Join” : [“”, [“arn:aws-us-gov:s3:::”, { “Ref” : “myExampleBucket” } , “/*” ]]}, Subtle things like that can make CloudFormation development a real hoot.

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AWS Solutions Architect Pro Test

Yesterday I sat for the most difficult IT certification test I’ve ever attempted – the AWS Solutions Architect Professional test. I passed it… by the skin of my teeth. I’ve essentially studied for this test for two years or more. I took the Solutions Architect Associate test two years ago and I’ve been involved with AWS projects ever since. Actually I was involved in AWS projects since before that test.

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